…Mr.? Hey mister, hello.

So this is the part where I’m supposed to introduce myself. But that’s harder than it sounds.

Look, let me just tell you that the world is fucked. It’s definitely fucked enough. Ignore the fact that we just entered 2017. I mean, in nineteen days, the guy who basically idolized the sexual assault of women will be our next president. And I’m trying to keep that as neutral-sounding as possible, other than for the fact that he idolized the sexual assault of women. Because that is a fact.

Look, I know that you are not very happy about the state of the world, even in this brand new year. But you didn’t come here to go waxing negative about it. You came to hear me talk about how boys who dress in womens clothing are automatically hot, okay? I don’t care about your other reasons. So it is I, Blatch, who will help guide you through the darkness in these troubling times. No resistence of anything is required! Just sit back, watch the tragedy unfold, and we can snark about it. And I’ve got a 2-liter of Diet Dr Pepper cooling down in the garage. It’s about halfway full… but I can’t let you have it through the computer monitor. Go out and buy some of your own. If you’re lucky, you’ll get one for 88 cents, like I did at the supermarket. It’ll be very fizzy. And maybe you’ll fart afterward, which is my hypothesis about the soda. Seriously: When my family were playing Goldeneye 007 and the original Mario Party on my Nintendo 64, I stunk the place up. It sucked. Mostly because now I might have to stop drinking it.

So I’m going to write on this blog. And you’re going to read it… or not. I don’t care who my audience is. I once did a blog about computer programming for middle schoolers (while I was one of them… I’m great) that received decent praise. I think I know what you want. And if not, tough shit. Also, is this thing being published on January 2nd? Ugh. I hate that. It should be the first. I’m starting this year off with the blog. And I will write in it on most days. So sit down and get ready to read it. Starting… in your future.


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