Blatch’s Certified GOOD SHIT: This Is Not a Party

It has to do with furniture.

Chapter 2: Accepting New Wealth

So it’s story time again. Last year, my family bought a couch. We then proceeded to break the couch. A bit of wood in the center spot split apart and made the back all stilted. I think it was actually my fault, because I ran and wanted to land on the couch in a happy way. But either way, the couch was broken, and we learned to live with it.

Now, we have two couches.

The Room of Living Carefully.jpg

Even in this cursed void beyond death, you still can’t escape the Neopets font.

My mom paid the $99 warranty from the furniture store, so she was able to get a new one. And the couch arrived at our house on today, of all days, delivered by two guys… a black guy, and the non-union Mexican equivalent of Elliot from Mr. Robot, mostly because of his hoodie. But you know, by family has been in awe at the thought of having new couches. You know, we have a brand stinkin’ new president about to be inaugurated, and some of us may not like him, but we’re going fucking crazy for the couch. All the talk of the house is about how having two couches is great. I know it’s good for parties and stuff, but what about all that time where you’re sitting there, letting the nihilism sink in as you realize that owning two couches… is actually all it’s cracked up to be. Forget politics; here’s a brand new couch, and everyone loves a motherfucking COUCH.

As for the benefits of having multiple couches? Well… now two people can lie down opposite each other and watch TV. Jeopardy! is a favorite program in this house, so now you can just lay there and ponder life’s many questions while showing off your knowledge of the Punic Wars. Having two couches is also good for eating food; stains and spills are no match for multiple couches. If one of them gets mopped with Dr Pepper, just quarantine it and work out the mess. Your compadres still have a whole separate couch (and recliner) to play with.

And for all of those sleepless nights where you just sit there, wondering what societal construct you want to get worked up over next, just remember that you basically gamed the furniture company. In this era of ruthless late-stage capitalism where the future is denied to those who won’t trample on the backs of poor people, just remember that you conned those evil sons of bitches. You got a whole ‘nother couch for just ninety-nine bucks and zero cents, and not six hundred dollars or so. After all, the old one is still broken. You can’t notice it because it’s propped up against the wall and covered with a blanket.


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