Pink Bori Plushie #3: OMG, Actual Neopoints

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Today, I’m going to tell you how to get into Neopets, if you haven’t already. And also… how to make money. Because it’s not just doing your dailies and playing Kass Basher 3x a day, oh no. If you want a spiffy Paint Brush for your pet, you need to own the means of profiteering.

Blatch’s Infinitesimal Guide to Richness!

Don’t bother taking notes on this, mostly since I’ll just print you out a copy of all of this at the end, much like my nerdy Korean physics teacher.

Step 1: Find a particular means…

What’s the means, you may ask? Well, anything the NeoBoards generally regard as being infallible. Here are five general archetypes I’ve come up with for you to consider…

Helpless Gamer: This is the most generic type of Neopian profiteer: They play the Flash games every day, trying to get as much NP out of them as possible. They long for the days of sponsor games (thanks, Viacom!) where they could rack up a bunch of NP rather fast. People of the Helpless Gamer type typically earn NP the slowest out of anyone, but they’re also the most consistent, and steady results is what all true warriors strive for.

Restocking Supreme: This category is simple: People buy low from the shops and sell high for maximum profit! This is theoretically the fastest archetype for profiteering, but it’s also highly volatile and dependent on one’s skills. There are plenty of in-depth restocking guides out there, but even if you don’t know what to do, restocking is easy to learn! Just ask some people on “teh boards”.

Food Club Provocateur: FC players have this shit figured out to a maximum. Whether it’s simply hedging money on Gooblah the Grarrl day in and day out or playing their luck on a spread bet, these daredevils challenge the odds and often win, and they look good doing it. Food Club fans may also be heavily invested in the Stock Market, another speculative Neopian game. But at least this website’s version of it is not as crazy as its IRL equivalent.

Steals on Wheels: These people are rather shady… not because they hack and cheat to get NP, but because they do it without much effort. Whether it be PWNing some uneducated n00bs on fun auctions or abusing the Super Shop Wizard to find good deals, these Neopians are often straight outta the Thieves’ Guild when it comes to maximum profit. This type of user might also constantly refresh the page for a particularly tantalizing Random Event. You probably fit the Steals on Wheels archetype if you trawl the NeoBoards making reseller offers on some poor schmuck’s stash of Morphing Potions.

Lurker for Life (a.k.a. AAA’s Bottom Bitch): Finally, we have the most quixotic archetype of profiteer. A Lurker for Life, true to its alternate name, often plays events like the Games Master Challenge and Daily Dare to their fullest potential, as well as any other yearly site events like Charity Corner, the Festivals of Neggs, the Altador Cup, and whatnot, and wins plot prizes… but then they store them in their Safety Deposit Box and slowly but surely wait for those items to spike in price. This can also apply to high-raritied items which are fodder for Charity Corner. You might just be AAA’s Bottom Bitch if you don’t mind waiting a while to get that dream PB to paint your pet with. And hey… it requires virtually no effort whatsoever! I felt rather jealous going through my SDB after the end of my Neopets hiatus and finding out just how much the shit in there was worth! It made me feel like I was living the dream.

So know that you know the proper means to get NP, it’s time for…

Step 2: Get a routine going.

If you do your dailies like a good Neopian, you’re already off to a good start. Now you need to scrounge up at least a little time every day to find profit. Some methods take more time than others… especially restocking. You’ll want to find shops you’re comfortable with in terms of profit potential. Maybe you’ve been permanently silenced and want to focus on small profits from your Shop that require no socialization. So no problem! Stick to the book shops and maybe Kayla’s. Or maybe you can flip items quickly and without any hassle, even if they’ll be sold for less. In that case, try Kauvara’s or the Post Office. Any way that helps you out the most is fine by me, because tweaking it a little every day can often be the key to maximum NP.

For those with little time to spare, Food Club might be the better option, since you only need a few minutes to calculate how your bets will pay out. And playing Flash games will often be quicker than the other methods if only because you know them so well. And now we move on to:

Step 3: Make sure to evolve!

New shit is happening in Neopia all the time. If an avenue of profit opens up due to some new feature or site event, feel free to look at it and see what it might give you. One can easily store a bunch of plot prizes in their SDB like a Lurker for Life and do other things while the items increase in value. It’s only natural, as I’ve said earlier. And if you get restock banned, try playing Flash games for a while. It might be more fun (and lucrative) than you may assume!

And finally… well, there isn’t a lot left for me to say, but let me finish this off with:

Step 4: Take care of yourself.

Neopets can be a demanding game at some points, but make sure to persevere through it and concentrate on… you know, having fun! After all, you’re probably here to escape what you think are the horrors of the real world… you shouldn’t try to replicate them in-game. Especially not with a bunch of children hanging around…

Uh, some children, anyway. God, who am I supposed to be writing this for? People in the work force?

[as a side note, installments of Pink Bori Plushie will now be syndicated on Neopets itself; just go to HecatiaLapislazuli’s petpage every so often for new issues]
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