Pink Bori Plushie #4: The Ritual (Nous sommes du Borovan)

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And we laughed and we cried in the midnight sun, never stopping once and searching for the One.

So the Nintendo Switch came out this month, and while it may be cool to be the one with the newfangled gaming console you can bring anywhere and play with anyone, I can’t afford it right now. Maybe for this Christmas, I’ll ask for one. But for now, let’s talk about the “Flash games” of Neopets.

Basically, for years and years, the site has been driven by these amusements. They help attract people to the website once they type “free online games” into their browser out of boredom, and for the site’s members, they can play it and send their score to earn Neopoints. Many of these games are just like classic arcade games and simple archetypes you know about. For example… Chia Bomber; sometimes 2, other times not. It’s basically Bomberman. You shoot the enemy Chias with a water gun and also blow them up with mines. You could put a sticker on it that says “It’s Just Fucking Bomberman, You Nitwit Libtards”, but then the site wouldn’t be family-friendly anymore, in more ways than one.

Here are some more games (with links, so you can play ’em!) to ponder:

Kass Basher: One of Neopets’ most iconic games, for a few reasons. For the uninitiated, you play as a kangaroo-like creature trying to bat a plush toy of an evil griffin (Kass) into the stratosphere for points. It’s so popular because of how easy it earns you NP: Just get up to the most powerful weapon to hit the Kass plushie with, and let it go for at least 900 meters… around that will typically earn you the maximum of 1,000 NP for one sent score. If you’re skilled enough and have a little bit of luck, you can do it three times in less than 30 seconds, meaning that it takes about as much to do as a couple of dailies. Sadly, getting on the high score table is hard, since most of the time you have to wait for the tree Kass gets knocked out of to be used as a weapon, which is extremely rare. Formerly known as Whack-A-Kass (changed for copyright reasons), this is one Flash extravaganza that’s stood the rest of time.

Zurroball: In this game, you try to keep a meteor, or a litany of other “balls” including a mound of snot, pure energy, and a Purple Grundo up in the air for a while to earn points. It’s a simple and somewhat monotonous game, but most of the time, it has a good points-to-NP ratio. All you need is around 70 bananas to get 1K of money, which is good. I like that dosh.

Korbat’s Lab: Another installment of the “Neopets’ Arkade Klassics” series. It’s Breakout… or Arkanoid, if you prefer. I’m not very good at the Arkanoid machine from a semi-local resturant, mostly because of that annoying paddle controller, but Korbat’s Lab is done with the keyboard, which is nice. You play through fifty levels of block-bashing fun, and forty-seven of them are randomized. This game also gives an avatar (a small chat icon GIF thing for the NeoBoards and your user profile) if you’re on the Top 50 of its scoreboard when JumpStart awards trophies for the day. I have said avatar, and from my experience, the whole thing was tedious. You can skip levels with a cheat code, but that’s assuming you know Neopets has legal cheats to begin with and can actually use them. And you’ll still have to get through much of the game in order to attain a high score. So yeah… I don’t play it too often.

Meepit Juice Break: Here’s another game which awards an avatar, this time after a fixed amount of points (3500). Basically, it’s a game about pipes: Get juice to feed the Meepits in the time allotted by turning the pipes. The game gets faster and faster as it goes to the point where it eventually becomes impossible to progress, but I don’t usually complain about that. You can get the avatar after just a few levels (like… seven; does that count as “a few”?) if you play your cards right. And by that, I mean… make sure to use as many pipes as possible in the feeding process. Don’t worry, because they won’t leak out juice if left open.

Lost City Lanes: Finally, here’s a somewhat new game from the site. This one is basically just fucking bowling, though there are obstacles which you can explode and power-ups which easily let you get five strikes in a row. It’s also in rather-impressive looking 3D, a testament to how much Adobe Flash has matured across the years. Previous games required additional plugins to do that, and as a result, they haven’t aged well. The game is rather sluggish and boring to play (at least if you don’t like explosions), but it’s a good example of an experience that you can only find on Neopets.

In the end, I believe that all the games on this site are fun in their own insane little ways. Of course, this doesn’t take away from the fact that you’ll only play a lot of them during certain events. And speaking of which…

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